Granny Mary talks to the most creative person ever — Dear Granny Mary: Most musicians, it’s safe to say, rarely produce great work after death. This seems a shame. For example, I think of someone like Johann Sebastian Bach, perhaps the most creative person to ever grace the planet. Imagine if he had had a few more years to develop…

Granny Mary thinks not — If you have a question for Granny Mary, put it in the comments or email to askgrannymary @ gmail. Let’s look at the mail! Dear Granny Mary, One of the most important things my old man ever told me was, “Son” — he always called me son — “Son, there…

Why Granny Mary will never clap for your article — If you have a question for Granny Mary, put it in the comments or email to askgrannymary @ gmail. Let’s look at the mail! Dear Granny Mary: Long time reader! First time questioner! I just want to say, I am a HUGE fan. How huge? So huge that the last…

Call it what it is — Send Granny Mary your questions in the comments here or email directly. Let’s check the mailbox! Dear Granny Mary: At dinner last night, after two drinks and 24 ounces of vegan phở, my daughter is telling this story. It’s a long windy thing. There’s a boyfriend in it. A shitty…

I want sympathy, dammit — Send Granny Mary your questions in the comments here or email directly. Here’s one that was left on Granny Mary’s answering machine. Dear Granny Mary: Two weeks ago I had a unicycle accident. It was pretty bad. The pavement in front of the school ripped off a fingernail, and then…

So much can go wrong — Send Granny Mary your questions in the comments here or email directly. Let’s check the mailbox! Dear Granny Mary: I’m currently in the middle lane of a five-lane highway. I’m not gonna lie, traffic is a bear. Stops and starts, with mostly stops. One lane or the other seems to…

I don’t sew like my grandma — Send Granny Mary your questions in the comments here or email directly. Let’s look at the mailbox! Dear Granny Mary: Sometimes, I wear sweatpants. Sweatpants have drawstrings. Unfortunately, one end of the drawstring on my sweat pants was sucked into that indefinite tube of fabric that holds the drawstring around…

The MuddYum editors need to know! — Send Granny Mary your questions in the comments here or email directly. Let’s look at the mailbox! Dear Granny Mary: What is funny? — the editors of MuddYum Oh, dear friends, I can feel the pathos in your query. I can only imagine what has brought you to this lowly…

And wait until you meet Kitten Mary! — Hey there, Granny Mary here. Still dead. Still wise. I want to address two questions I received in the past while. One of you asked, “Do you know God?” Another one of you asked, “Do you know Bloody Mary?” Heavy stuff! As it happens, I do know Bloody Mary. She’s…

Granny Mary forestalls a foreskin farrago — If you have a question for Granny Mary, put it in the comments or email directly. Let’s look at the mail! Dear Granny Mary: I’m the new guy at my work and my boss just told me he wants me to go out and kill two hundred philistines, cut off…

That girl could make WAY better choices — Dear Granny Mary, When I was visiting my grandpa last week I saw your column about how ghosts make way better decisions than people. Actually, my grandpa keeps all your columns. He’s kind of obsessed with you so it’s probably good you’re dead. Anyway, I want to take umbrage with…

Granny Mary is suspicious — If you have a question for Granny Mary, put it in the comments or email to askgrannymary at gmail. Let’s look at the mail! Dear Granny Mary: Contention is dividing my workplace! One of my co-workers says the opinions of dead people matter more. Another says that the opinions of…

Don’t do the BS the dead want you to do — Breast Stories Are the Best Amy Sea, you know I love you and all of your breast stories. You are the only person I know with a publication dedicated entirely to breasts. I use your publications and stories to keep my breasts in top nipple condition; they are full, round, with well-tipped nipples that look…

Gary Chapin’s Dead Granny Mary is interrupting her dead time to help you — Why do I love Gary Chapin’s advice column, Granny Mary? Sit down. Have a cuppa. I’m taking you the long way around. I’m always quoting my dead father. Am I quoting him correctly? Did he really say those things? I don’t know. I can’t ask him. He’s dead, god bless’m…

Are you a shaman? Do you live in Sheboygan? — If you have a question for Granny Mary, put it in the comments or email to askgrannymary at gmail. Let’s look at the mail! Dear Granny Mary: Should I go on a shamanic journey and take ayahuasca? Signed, Not-a-Middle-Aged-White-Woman. Hello, Not! Or do you prefer N’t? This is a complicated…

You probably shouldn’t, but if you have to — — If you have a question for Granny Mary, put it in the comments or email to askgrannymary at gmail. Let’s look at the mail! Dear Granny Mary: I just finished the famous book by Harper Lee and I still have no idea how to kill a mockingbird. Please help me…

Advice for the son of God — If you have a question for Granny Mary, put it in the comments or email to askgrannymary at gmail. Let’s look at the mail! Dear Granny Mary: What do I gotta do? Signed, Jesus Christ Hello, Jesus! Am I pronouncing that right? One doesn’t hear from the Son of Man…

Dear Granny Mary on socially awkward confrontations — If you have a question for Granny Mary, put it in the comments or email to askgrannymary at gmail. Let’s look at the mail! Dear Granny Mary: So, here I am at home and outside my front door are a dozen or so buffalo. They look pissed. It could be…

She’s dead. She’s wise. And you are nothing. Nothing! — If you have a question for Granny Mary, put it in the comments or email to askgrannymary at gmail. Let’s look at the mail! Dear Granny Mary: What do you think of millennial nihilists? Signed, Crotchety Old Person With a Lawn Hello, Crotchety! I really like millennial nihilists. They mix…

She’s dead (and she is wise) — If you have a question for Granny Mary, put it in the comments or email to askgrannymary at gmail. Let’s look at the mail! Dear Granny Mary: How do you punctuate? I’ve been reading. Your stuff? And I always; always: admire your skill with — punctuation. Its not something I…