Granny Mary asks her dead Roman friends — Salve Granny Mary: This evening at a toga party in Palm Springs, a colleague asked me, “How often do you think of the Roman Empire?” This startled me, so I replied, “Purple!” My colleague backed away slowly, but I’ve been hearing a lot about this. “Men think of the Roman…

It’s a Granny Mary Christmas — If you have a question for Granny Mary, put it in the comments. Let’s look at the mail! Dear Granny Mary: I was watching A Muppet Christmas Carol with my kids and was suddenly filled with despair. Like Scrooge, I realised, I am certainly headed for Hell. I’m really a…

The Best Dumpster Fire — his was the best dumpster his home no pride nor greed professing gratitude to god, whose esteem was neither desired nor undesired deserved nor undeserved “wager, a wager, i will wager unto thee,” rhymed satan, “he’s happy because he’s rich. …

Fifty-six years and a poem —

What could go wrong? — Watching a cat is like watching the ocean. Watching five cats is like watching five oceans. That’s too many oceans. Just the one — just the one in the kitchen, Is calm. Just watch that one cat, Ursula. So sleek, slight, and shadowy Eyes that know your secrets, Black muzzle with a dozen white hairs, Even…

What am I thankful for? — What are we thankful for? MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS! You think we’re just going to perform gratitude for the benefit of our newsletter!?! Well, okay. You’re right. We will. We consider it a service. A mitzvah, if you will — or even if you won’t. The writers of MuddyUm have…

Dedicated to Dead or Alive — Note: I knew I’d find a place for this poem if I just waited long enough. I didn’t know I was waiting for DoA’s cry for help, but there you are. I submit I submit I submit The community. The exchange. What receive? What give? “Quitting time is up to…

Who’s knocking on the door? — 1. They do all the normal things, the string quartet, When presenting to kids. “What’s this instrument?” Violin. Violin. Viola. Cello. There’s no trombone To do elephant impressions, but the cello makes Comical noises in the intro. They have The kids in their pockets. The rest of the program goes…

Granny Mary is dead, she’s wise, and she advises — Dear Granny Mary: So there I am, at a professional gathering of educators, in a small celebratory circle at the end of a great day. There are four of us with drinks, I’ll call them “Nicole,” “Kelly,” “David,” and “Andy,” for convenience. “Kelly” says, “What was the most embarrassing moment…